Catching up
It’s been a couple of months since I last posted anything; I’d promised myself that I would populate this space with more of my previous writing – finally giving it a home and, well, I didn’t. Not through not wanting to though. I have an incredible talent when it comes to neglecting myself and the things that help me.
And the day came where the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Original Unknown.
This year has been incredibly challenging and difficult for many of us. For me, COVID added an extra level of shittery within an already shitty year.
Not only is my mental health pretty abysmal at the moment, but so is that of my daughter. She has faced a section 2 and section 3 of the mental health act, turned her anger towards me for what felt like forever, and has only spent 6 weeks of the entire year at home within these walls. Yeah, it is shit.
My own physical health suffered and I was diagnosed with CTD on top of all the other health problems I already have. I sit here writing this right now wondering whether I will ever have a day where I don’t feel pain or this crippling fatigue. And before anyone questions that – no, fatigue isn’t just a bit of tiredness and no, sleep doesn’t actually remedy anything.
I have neglected my daily journaling practice since September so today I decided to write a “things that have happened since I last journaled” list. My god. One thing that became abundantly clear is the sheer amount of crap I have had to endure over the last 4 months. Ironically, my last entry before today was a note of how I didn’t think I could cope. Guess I proved myself wrong there.
This pouring out thoughts on paper has relieved me. I feel better and full of confidence and resolution.
– Diet Eman
I have never been one for New Year resolutions – it’s another thing I find myself “failing” at and then beating myself up over. This year, there won’t be any of that. I won’t fall prey to those who scream “new year, new me” seconds before the ring of the bells. Nope. I am going to simply continue being me. The slightly broken, but incredibly resilient and strong woman that I am. I’m going to learn to be okay with that, not just today, but every day.
If you find yourself struggling, remember that it’s okay to not be okay, that it’s okay to admit that to others and to yourself. It doesn’t make you weak or a failure. Reach out and talk it out.
Until next time, stay safe. xo
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