Today, we survive

Burnt summer skies of last summer.

It’s been a while since I really wrote anything here; life has been turbulent. Some of you will know that my beautiful daughter was detained under section 3 of the mental health act due to her anorexia and those times were tough.

I’m a pretty private person, only choosing to share information with those close to me and only expanding that outwardly once I have had a chance to get my head around my own feelings about the trauma I face. I feel like sharing things could potentially help others, and it helps me to a degree, but only when i am ready. Never before.

Last year, my daughter had 3 admissions to a specialist eating disorder hospital. She spent a total of 6 weeks at home. Not having her at home was like losing a limb. Nothing felt right. Smiling made me feel guilty, laughter felt like a complete and utter betrayal to her. As the world was turning, I stood still, lost within its gravitational pull whilst always looking back, waiting for my daughter to catch up with me. To come back to me.

Last Monday she was discharged as was her section. Anxiety was high. It always is at discharge. Things have been busy. Exhausting. Upsetting. Joyful. The whole gamut of emotions has featured which only adds to the extreme fatigue I’m feeling right now.

Yesterday was a good day (though you’d never say that in front of my daughter). Today looks to be a bad day, a day of struggle and battles with anorexia. Tomorrow? Who knows.

The only time I look to tomorrow is to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and today’s struggles may not feature. Tomorrow becomes hopeful when you focus on the present. On the now. On this very second. This moment right this second is calm. The moments before were hard. The next moment may even see a little light.

When you or someone you love has a mental illness, the only thing that gets you through is right now. Getting through the very moment you’re experiencing, the moment you’re supporting your loved one to get through. Survive.

Survival is laser focused on this very second and the seconds that follow. Survival doesn’t look at tomorrow or next week. Mindfulness is survival without the pain and pace. Being present in the moment is key to mindfulness and survival.

Today we survive as we only look to tomorrow in hope. And the only time I look back is to remember moments like the one in the picture. Burnt summer skies and the stillness of the present of the past.